Miss America

America is a melting pot (or an ethnic salad if you prefer).  Certainly we have no issues with people of a non Western European ethnicity doing something like winning a Miss America pageant.  Obviously there wouldn't be tweets from average Americans displaying shocking ignorance.  Nothing like that would happen here because we're past all that.

Seriously, some days, it's actually hard to get the satire into this fucking bullshit....

Some Days It's Just Too Easy

Some days I don't even really have to do any introduction.  It is just absolutely self-explanatory how past all that we are.  Like this little gem about how one white person complained and got a party of twenty five kicked out of a restaurant.  You could almost JUST link this article to anyone who still thinks we're NOT past all that.

No. Explanation. Needed.

Yeah, But It's Not Racism If You're Kidding

If only minorities would learn that they don't need to be telling white people when they're offended.  White people will magnanimously inform them of when it's okay to be offended and when it isn't.

And when they're joking around, it's obviously not time to be offended.  That just makes it edgy humor.  Sheesh, learn to take a joke.  Like this gem here.  Clearly this isn't really racist.

Lighten up.  White people have informed you that the "slanted eyes and yellow thighs" bit was HI-larious and that you shouldn't be offended.  Trust me, they'll let you know when you should be.  They'll get all quiet and look at you pensively and say, "Are.....are you okay?"

Firefighter Deserved Tazing

So a firefighter riding a bike in Evansville waved at a cop and was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.  It turned out he was a youth minister and a member of the local fire department and was just being friendly.  However, only the most cynical rabble rousers are going to suggest that his treatment was because he was black.  That's just ridiculous. Waving is a very threatening gesture.  Waving at a COP, like maybe you're friendly or something is very stupid.  I'm surprised the guy didn't get tazed.  You can't just run around waving at people.  This has nothing to do with race.  I'm sure a white man on a bike waving at a cop would have gotten exactly the same treatment.  We are, after all, past all that.

Thrown Bananas Aren't a REAL Problem

I'm sure that this is a misunderstanding and that the person who threw a banana at Adam Jones was actually a fan who was worried that he wasn't getting enough potassium.  Because clearly nothing like this could actually happen in our wonderful post-racial world where the only stories of racism are the ones minorities make up about marginalization for attention, pity, and to stack the deck in their favor.

Oh Look, Another Crazy Study That Says Nothing

This is a study that finds blacks blocked from juries three times as often as whites in the south.  Even if this study were not some back water institution, and even if it's methodology was not highly suspect, this is not as statistically significant finding. Three times as much? That's nothing. If I were a scientist and I found a correlation that weak, I would not even bother recording it.  Seriously. I'm sure every one of them was legitimate and there are no patterns here. The real racism here is trying to smear these poor white lawyers for their choices.

Of COURSE It's Not Racist.

It's hard to imagine someone so sensitive that they can come up with multiple examples of racism every single day.  The only thing that's racist is people who continue to talk about race like we're not past all that.  I mean if you read these examples of.....um.....

Wait....

Well...uh...maybe they're made up.  Yes, that's it.  Just made up stories.  Thousands upon thousands of blatant lies.

White People's Unique Qualification

As is clearly evidenced here, white people are uniquely qualified to know what other people should just get over.  People who aren't white tend to be shrill and not realize that we're past all that.  But really what would they know about being offended?